The seat of moss and rock...

Here is another picture from my trip to William Ricketts Sanctuary. I tried so very hard to get me and the boy in the shot, but I swear that he was moving whenever I turned my back! ;)

The Mountains of William...

I have so much work to worry about that I developed a nice little headache today. Anyhow, I decided I needed some time away from the lab, away from the books and journals... just to go somewhere quiet. I just took out the Melbourne map and started following along roads with my finger, looking for that secluded spot.

Mt. Dandenong is about a 30 minute drive from the place I rent, and I always wanted to have a look. So I thought that today would be the day... get rid of my headache and get out of the house to boot. I took my camera along, because now I have a blog, so it only makes sense to capture my exploits. It's a pity my camera is playing up... I got there and found that my batteries didn't have enough oompf in them to get my through more than two pictures. So that I had to drive down the mountain to find some batteries somewhere.

It was really worth the trip, as I found this park called "The William Ricketts Sanctuary", where this man called William had carved so many great aboriginal figures into wood and stone. Sure, there were mainly old people there, but I loved it.

(Except next time I go back, I will bring mosquito repellent... there was one there whenever I turned my head! I think it was the same one stalking me, godamnit! And I sat on a seat with some ants on it... and they were like big ants... and I got scared. And I saw a web up in the trees... and I wondered where the spider was... was it stowing away in my pants pocket, only to later reappear in my food? The sculptures were worth the risk to my life, though.)

I'm going to have to go back at some point because I missed a few things... like I didn't even sit down and watch the documentary about William Ricketts that was playing because I was too consumed with snapping pictures ... trying to position the camera atop of rocks and benches and dirt, attempting to get me in frame.

Battery-dependent memories...

My digital camera has been playing up a bit, and requires absolutely new batteries before it will do a thing. Anyhow, I got it running today and found this picture of me at NYE... all long haired and alone. Hell, I wasn't truly alone there... my sister took the picture after all. ;)

We went over to the beach to bring in the new year, up at Noosa, a few hours drive away. For my past NYE's I tend to remember watching my Mum and Stepdad fighting at home ... though Mum has some different, nicer memories. Hmmm. Funny that. I thought I had better get out that year. 'Twas nicer, I guess. I love the beach. I love most things scenic.

Gripes and grapes...

I can't tell you my life has gone anywhere in the last week. It is Easter right now... Easter Sunday in fact. Perhaps I haven't gotten my priorities right, but I've come back to the house that I'm renting near the University so I can catch up on some of the heavy workload that I have. I just kept thinking to myself "If I don't do it today, then godamn I am gonna be so stressed out tomorrow". Chances are I'll be stressed out tomorrow anyway... but at least this way I appear to be doing the work. Anyhow, daylight savings just ended, so that's saved me another hour to goof around. ;)

Not much else has been happening really. I just finished eating some grapes. In fact, I bought a bag of grapes about a week and a half ago, then I bought another bag a few days later. The second bag is the one I finished. The first bag I just eye suspiciously as the grapes brown in the fridge. I don't think it was meant to be with them. Oh well.

I am throwing away a heap of food lately. I just threw away two loaves of bread. (Well, they were each half full, so maybe one loaf worth). And the potatoes my Mum gives me tends just to go green. I told her yesterday not to give me more because I still had the last batch, but she insisted that by now the last batch would be no good. Mum has also taken to picking wives for me from the TV. "You should bring one that looks like her home", she'd say. The woman will usually be tall and blonde, and have good verbal skills. "No short ones". I couldn't image walking around with anyone too short anyway... I am like 6"5' and look over the short persuasion. Not that I am so ... err ... godamn, I can't think of that word ... this is killing my brain trying to think of this word, and I know it, I just have such a bad memory. But you know what I mean, I'm sure. Superficial? Is that the word? I think that's what I was thinking about. But then again, maybe I am superficial. I know good from bad and beauty from ugliness. I am looking for someone without flaw, which is perhaps my downfall, because I myself are so deeply flawed in many respects. Physically, personality-wise, and socially. How many times have people told me what a good person I am. Aargh! That hurts most of all. I am nice, sure... but what they're really saying is that I don't have the grapes to realize that I am just easily abusable.

William John.

The choice between filthy and comfortable...

Isn't it funny how, when something is in demand, it is just so hard to find. I am, of course, talking about being able to think. Everything just seems to be moving so godamned quickly ... I don't even remember where February went! I pray for weekends to come quickly. And, now that I realize Easter is a holiday, I am praying that Jesus shakes things up a little bit more to give me some more holiday time to think. Where is He? Aaargh! I won't be holding my breath. Now, I know what you are thinking... "Why does Will write 'realize' with a 'z' and not an the Australian 's' standard"? But I think you've missed the point here. I mean, really. I am stressed and tired, and am thinking about cutting down on my eating just so I have time to exhale. And you're all wondering about my spelling? Godamnit.

I haven't seen Adam for ages. Come to think of it, I haven't seen the sun for ages. (does the glare of a computer monitor count as sun?) I am probably taking lab work far too seriously. But, when you don't have someone to come home to, I guess you can afford to get lost in a world where time moves like it's nobody's business. I think I need more contact with the world about me. Yeah, it's all good to type this up, but I don't see it happening. If only I had a friend that invited me to events. I'm thinking about just chucking out my mobile. I mean, hell, nobody calls anyway. Not that I have the time for calls and going out and all that crap ... I'm just saying it would be nice is all.

My room is one mess. Oh, I just reminded myself that I need to do laundry. Tomorrow, if I don't do the wash, that is, I will be deciding which pair of underwear is "less dirty"... and that's not really an option I want to make. Of course, it is 8pm and dark and cold outside and nothing is going to dry. Do I go solo tomorrow, or just wear the same pair? I know I have some satin boxer shorts in there, but they get sticky, and sweaty etc. But, if it comes between filthy and uncomfortable, I guess that latter is my option. Yay. Tomorrow will be juuuust great already ... ;o)

William John.

An excuse in God...

I don't think I am fully lucid. I tend to walk around in some kind of a daze, not really noticing or caring what is going on around me... just trying to get from point A to point B without tripping up along the way. Which is why I really couldn't believe myself at that party. Crying like that, I mean. I don't tend to have much emotion. I am the same most of the time. Except when I am alone, I suppose... that's when my thoughts can really shine. Someone asked me recently, someone I don't really know, if I smoked marijuana. Is that a question someone can just ask like that? Without really knowing a person? Sure, I look calm and thoughtless, but I still have thoughts. And if smoking that stuff makes someone like me, then it is probably not the best idea. I have seen people that I know do that kind of stuff, and god are their eyes red. It doesn't look too healthy. If I'm going to get addicted to something, it would not be something that would make me more like me. That would be utterly pointless... and somewhat degrading. Well, in the way I see myself most of the time it would probably be degrading. Not that I am not the model of virtue in many ways. One should always open doors for a lady, for instance. Not that I intend to have a lady to open doors for. Sure, I am fond of some women... but not to the point of attractiveness. I know the kind of woman I'd like to marry... y'know... if I were to marry a woman. And my Mother is always stopping by shop windows and pointing at women, saying to me "that's the kind of woman I expect you to marry". Window shopping is such fun with mum. I doubt I'll buy what she thinks I will, though.

I don't know where this little prose is going. I guess I am just typing. It is late, and I am sullen and cold and alone and I guess I just feel like typing. Letting my mind and fingers wander on the keyboard...

How the hell am I supposed to find someone to be with? I don't get out enough for that, and my situation makes things a little difficult. I'm not a good communicator... and I am starting to feel so goddamned nervous around crowds that I just don't feel much like going out. Actually, crowds and darkness and youth and new people (and people I know, sometimes) and noise make me feel nervous. I imagine it is something like that scene in Rain Man when the smoke alarm goes off by accident and Dustin Hoffman starts hitting his head making "Eeerrrmmm....! Aaarrrhhhhmm!" sounds. But not that dramatic of course. I don't think I'll find anyone before I am 21. Noone would say it, but I am not someone that anyone would notice was gone if I wasn't around. That's one of those sentences I've got to steer clear from. I wouldn't do what that sentence might imply. It is just a thought.

It's a shame I am not religious. Y'know what I mean...? those fanatical religious people that won't hold hands with the opposite sex until they get married, and who have family prayer circles. Aargh. Then I would have an excuse for the way I am. If people ask me why I left it so late, I could just answer "because of God". Can anyone argue with that? You can't win an argument with a religious person... there is always a comeback chapter and verse. Anyhow, I don't want to be one of those people... I just want an excuse.

William John.

Life is a series of tiny jokes and runny noses...

I had already written up a post, but I read it and it sounded a little whiny to me. But the brunt of it pretty much read that I am probably going to see less of Adam now that he is dropping of out Honors, and that I am so damn alone. I think I need to get into a relationship. I could be sweet... I think. I'd love there to be someone to come home to and cuddle. To gaze into their eyes for periods or time without having to turn away for fear that they will detect my longingness. To rub noses with like the eskimos do... except perhaps when we both have colds. That could get icky. But I want the icky option...

William John.

Melted cylinders and round cheeks...

Recently I started doing Honors in Science, knowing full well that I am not much of a laboratory Salieri. Then again, he composed music, and there is no place for that in the lab... so maybe I am like Salieri. Aargh. Anywho... it just has not gone well. I have no time to myself anymore. I am in the lab from 9 to past 5, and yet I never seem to get anything done. Everything screws up.

Today the worst event was when I dropped a 2L beaker half filled with water. Everyone in the lab appeared out of nowhere, me standing in a 10 meter wide pool of water with broken glass at my feet. Then my supervisor gave me the "idiocy award" ... I AM NOT KIDDING ABOUT THIS - the idiocy award is a stick of about 8 plastic measuring cylinders which have been accidently melted together into one, with the words "idiocy award" labeled on the side on masking tape. I'm supposed to wait until some other idiot breaks something then pass on the baton. If I don't break the melted cylinders, that is. ;o)

And the point about everything screwing up is that an experiment can take up to 3 days to set up. If you ruin it, then that a full week. Grrr! When I leave the uni, I am damn tired, always wondering what the goddamn hell I am doing there still. Yes, I've always thought of myself as a student that would keep moving along the conveyer belt, until I'd fall off and be something else ... but it is getting a bit trying. And I don't have the time to think anymore. I'm not that happy right now I suppose. And I don't think I will be for the rest of the year. I'm finding it a little hard to even be pretend-happy anymore ... which is a real pity, because I was hoping to develop those nice rounded cheeks that happy people get because they smile too much. I love those.

William John.