An excuse in God...

I don't think I am fully lucid. I tend to walk around in some kind of a daze, not really noticing or caring what is going on around me... just trying to get from point A to point B without tripping up along the way. Which is why I really couldn't believe myself at that party. Crying like that, I mean. I don't tend to have much emotion. I am the same most of the time. Except when I am alone, I suppose... that's when my thoughts can really shine. Someone asked me recently, someone I don't really know, if I smoked marijuana. Is that a question someone can just ask like that? Without really knowing a person? Sure, I look calm and thoughtless, but I still have thoughts. And if smoking that stuff makes someone like me, then it is probably not the best idea. I have seen people that I know do that kind of stuff, and god are their eyes red. It doesn't look too healthy. If I'm going to get addicted to something, it would not be something that would make me more like me. That would be utterly pointless... and somewhat degrading. Well, in the way I see myself most of the time it would probably be degrading. Not that I am not the model of virtue in many ways. One should always open doors for a lady, for instance. Not that I intend to have a lady to open doors for. Sure, I am fond of some women... but not to the point of attractiveness. I know the kind of woman I'd like to marry... y'know... if I were to marry a woman. And my Mother is always stopping by shop windows and pointing at women, saying to me "that's the kind of woman I expect you to marry". Window shopping is such fun with mum. I doubt I'll buy what she thinks I will, though.

I don't know where this little prose is going. I guess I am just typing. It is late, and I am sullen and cold and alone and I guess I just feel like typing. Letting my mind and fingers wander on the keyboard...

How the hell am I supposed to find someone to be with? I don't get out enough for that, and my situation makes things a little difficult. I'm not a good communicator... and I am starting to feel so goddamned nervous around crowds that I just don't feel much like going out. Actually, crowds and darkness and youth and new people (and people I know, sometimes) and noise make me feel nervous. I imagine it is something like that scene in Rain Man when the smoke alarm goes off by accident and Dustin Hoffman starts hitting his head making "Eeerrrmmm....! Aaarrrhhhhmm!" sounds. But not that dramatic of course. I don't think I'll find anyone before I am 21. Noone would say it, but I am not someone that anyone would notice was gone if I wasn't around. That's one of those sentences I've got to steer clear from. I wouldn't do what that sentence might imply. It is just a thought.

It's a shame I am not religious. Y'know what I mean...? those fanatical religious people that won't hold hands with the opposite sex until they get married, and who have family prayer circles. Aargh. Then I would have an excuse for the way I am. If people ask me why I left it so late, I could just answer "because of God". Can anyone argue with that? You can't win an argument with a religious person... there is always a comeback chapter and verse. Anyhow, I don't want to be one of those people... I just want an excuse.

William John.