In a crowded party, alone...

I know it has been a while since my last blog. Crikey, it's just that so much has happened in the past month that I just couldn't get my head around it all easily.

Anyhow, I'll tell the major story the way that it is. About a month ago I went to one of my friend's 21st Birthday, tagging along with my friend Adam and his gal, Laura. I guess I must have had too much to drink... you see, I was quite nervous. I don't really get out to events where one must socialize too often, and I had the whacky idea that booze would loosen me up. I think it did actually loosen me up and I was having a swell enough time. But then the Birthday guy's parents and friends started doing speeches, praising their son and friend. My thoughts just raced into long spiels - "What will happen when my 21st hits me ... I could never fill up a small room with friends, let alone a venue ... and I certainly don't have a friend that could make a speech about me."

And these thoughts just kept running in my head even after the speeches that when Laura asked me, as we sat on some seats on the sides while the party continued, what I thought of the speeches, I just broke down. It was the most terrible, embarrassing thing that could possibly have happened. I excused myself to the bathroom, as one naturally does when they'd rather share the company of white tiled, empty walls than that of people, and sat myself down in a cubicle.

Laura must've told Adam what had happened, as soon enough he was there, in the next cubicle staring down from above (how embarrassing!) asking me what was wrong. "Nothing" didn't really work as a reply, so I ended up saying to him that if we went outside I'd tell him a few of my problems. I don't think I expected to come out when I left for the party, but that's what ended up happening. Adam was real nice about it and all... "I have lots of friends that way", he'd say. "You're still the same guy, and this doesn't change anything." Adam is one of those people that, if he doesn't like something about you then there is something wrong with you. I can tell that he's decided about me already. I am OK. Period. Sure, he can put up with me at spaced irregular intervals, but chances are he wouldn't put me on an invitation list. That makes me sad, too. Knowing my best mate couldn't reciprocate with the appreciation I feel for him. There's a Josh Groban song which has the verse "you raise me up to more than I can be". That's exactly what he does. At irregular spaced intervals anyway.

Goddamnit, though... I wish it DID change something. Something isn't right about how I go around closing everything inside like some damn pressure cooker until I just go and tell someone unprepared. Isn't the pressure supposed to reduce, somehow? I don't feel like anything has changed. I am still the same guy, like Adam said, but that can't be a good thing. And it won't fill up a venue...

:(

William John.