A slow-motion world...

I sometimes wonder if life is supposed to move this slow. Stepping forward seems to take an effort my mind can't grasp, and I don't really know what to do about it. Shaking off everyone I know and saying 'give me some space' would be a good first step. But, the truth is, I have so much space it's hard to move. Funny, I am such a contradiction. I'll judge people and tell them how it is... but who knows me? There are a lot of major, defining characters to me that even my closest friends wouldn't have a clue. I'd want to tell them, sure... but who could I trust with such information. I shoot off my mouth now, and tomorrow I'm some kind of point-and-giggle joke.

I am 20 now and have never had a partner... never been kissed... I sometimes am on the verge of tears about it. I really am. I can't do anything about it. Well, that's a lousy attitude for me to have. Sure I can do something about it. No-one else knows enough to care. I just don't know what to do about it. It's not like I'm a monsterish looking guy. I am quite ok in fact. Sure, I don't gave a sexy voice or bod, but I'd treat someone right. Sure I would. Anyhow, this is my first post so I shouldn't really turn it into a sob story.

This year, 2005, is going to be the toughest year of my life. I say that every year, because it is true every year. And I am so focused on the wrong things. Or maybe they are the right things, it's just the portions that I have screwed up. Like, this year, I'm doing Honors at University. How much better can life get? A year of full on work but meanwhile I'm grappling with the 'why aren't I a stronger person?' question... and hoping I'll dust myself off one day and be happy with me.

William John.