Dear God,
It has been so long since my last post, but there have always been moments where I wanted to sit on the computer and write away, releasing all this... explosive heartbeating... that is going on inside my chest.
I don't know where to begin... so little and so much has happened... but if I were to examine my life from a Point A a year ago to Point B today, well, I guess I haven't moved an incredible amount. And that scares me a little. I'm 22 years old now. I still reckon I'm a nice guy, but I might be turning into an old man too quickly.
Well, I finally did have a relationship. It started with this guy Sam. He was a little bit older than I was, about four years. But that's not really a drama. He was an art teacher, a fantastic one if you got to see any of his work. If I could work out how, I'd post this cool picture of my he drew when I fell asleep at his flat one day - it's hanging on my wall now. But it was pretty much doomed to fail right from the outset. Yes, I loved to see him, and I love having the company. Oh, the company. But in the end, I wasn't in love with him. Right from the beginning he said those word 'i love you', and now I realize how shallow they can be. Well, from other people. If I said those words (in the order from left to right!), I'd do it wholeheartedly. He even got to meet my Mother. She was right, he was very girly, lol... but I don't even see some of these things at the time. That doesn't matter. Anyway, I thought everything was going alright, until one day I get a message on my phone 'we need to talk', and then that's that. Wow. So sudden.
"Why?" I ask him.
"I just don't feel like it's going anywhere. You were perfect. You are the perfect boyfriend."
I'm pretty emotional. "Well, is there any way we can fix it?"
"No. I'm sorry, no."
Well, there was nothing that I could do but leave. He said he wanted to be friends, but as of this point in time, I haven't received any call from him. He has some of my things and I have a few of his, so I called him to see if he wanted to come and get them, but he said he didn't have the money for petrol, and I haven't spoken to him since. Well, this is life I suppose.
At the current time, I have met this guy Cal. He's everything I could possibly want in my naive little world. He's not perfect, but I don't see that. But I'm not good at this business, and after our first meet - he just moved to Melbourne from Brisbane, and I picked him up to take him to the cemetary when he messaged me one day to let me know those were his plans for the day. lol. Well, he wanted to check out his great grandfather's grave for his Aunt's genealogy studies. Anyway, we couldn't find the grave, so we went out for lunch. Oh dear, none of this sounds good.
I haven't had much luck keeping him interested, and I don't know what to do. He's obviously out of my range - he's 28, self-proclaimingly unemotional and been through the mill a bit. I'm 22 with emotion and I wouldn't know who to ask for directions to the mill. I'm trying to get him to come out with me to the movies, and... truth be told... I'm just exhausted by it all. Nothing seems to go right and I'm ready to just collapse on the pavement, rain beating down.
I guess the question is, why would you dump someone who you thought was perfect? Well, maybe because they're not. Damnit.
William John.
