Do I have it all wrong...?

I was going through my undies drawer today and stumbled across a 1938 Australian shilling. If anyone knows how much this is worth, let me know. Personally, just by looking at the thing, I would harbor a guess of one shilling. But that's just me. Anyhow, besides the excavation of my personals drawer, life has been a bit meh recently.

I mean, when your Mother turns to you at random time intervals and says something to the effect of "you know, William... cocksucking isn't much fun. Those things are ugly" ... well, life just blows. But not to the point where I'd do anything to harm myself. My mind never really turns anything out of proportion. I still don't have a partner, though whenever a guy walks by wearing pink spandex shorts, I'll give him the once over. It's just courtesy. (just kidding, though... pink is sooooo last week ... :o)

I will always remain decent. If someone tells me where a beat is, I will quickly forget. There is never any fight going on in my mind of what is right and what is wrong, no matter how often people insist to me that they just need to release some of the "tension". Godamnit ... why the hell did we bother evolving from beasts? See... I was under the impression that being gay was all about collared shirts and fondue sets. Now I just don't know what to think....

:o)

William John.

Ruined...

Yesterday I was forced to tell my Mother that I'm gay. There was no escaping it. She asked me dead out, and I couldn't nod my head any longer.

"Just let me know if I have something to deal with, or if there is nothing to worry about, William."

I apologized. "There is something you have to deal with, Mum."

She looked at me in disbelief. I wonder if she realized how often she'd repeated the question "Are you sure?"... but I seemed well enough aware of it.

We went to McDonalds and pondered the repurcussions over fast food... how come other people knew before she did? have i kissed anyone? do my sisters know? do i know i won't be able to have kids...? no family...? i won't carry on the family name...?

I just sat quietly and took it all in. It all seemed to go well enough. But then you sleep on something and I guess you worry a little more. Today I was greeted with tears.

"You've worked so hard, William. You've done everything right. You've stepped high up on the ladder. Now you're ruined what you've worked for. You've built yourself up just to let yourself down. It's like someone had spilt ink over your record."

That didn't make me feel too swell.

"You're still my boy and I still love you. Even though I still don't believe it."

I kissed her forehead and apologized again. "It will be okay, Mum. Things will work out."

But when I went to leave the house today she broke... "I'm the joke of the family," she said. I told her she wasn't and gave her a hug. Poor mum. I'm sorry. But things will work out... I'm sure of it.