B it this way...

I noticed that all of my titles begin with the letter A and it was starting to frustrate me. Surely I could utilize some of those other letters. Like B. Not that I am at all biased towards using B but, the thing is, B when said aloud is a word. X's and Z's get messy. Unless you're German, then Z is fine enough. God, what a ramble. Should I delete all that and start again? Should I write more seriously?

I had a haircut the other day. If you knew me, it would be a shock. It is now short, and my (remaining) Grandfather said now I look like a boy. Now, that's gotta be a compliment. He doesn't have any hair, so he's not really one to talk. Getting a haircut was actually on my rather long list of New Year's Resolutions - many of which I have broken, sadly, because I am weak. Here are a few of them, in no particular order:

- Get fit ... do push-ups, swim, bicycle: And God do I need this one. I am a lanky guy, but make me run a mile and I'll soon follow the example of the tortoise in that Aesop's fable... walk slowly.

- Tell someone: This is perhaps the most important one, but the one of which I feel most embarrassed about. Embarrassed is not the right word actually. Scared, maybe. Who to tell? Anyhow, I can't tell you what I need to tell someone. I always thought I'd tell Adam... but I don't see his face enough to say anything. And, even if I did, I get the feeling that he wouldn't be particularly amused.

- Budget better: A must for me. I am a student, don't work, don't have savings... but goddamn do I have a lot of expenses. I have a car, rent a place and... err... no, that's it. Other than these two points, I really don't go out (like, who with? My invisible protege? Because even he won't come out with me anymore... ;) It does seem like every pay is gone before I get it. Sometimes weeks earlier than that. Hey, I just had a good (but not novel) idea... I can sell my virginity on the internet! Yessss.... anyone...? anyone...? (I imagine getting hit in the eye by a 10c piece.)

- Keep your hair neat: And it is. So far. And now I blow dry it, and put in some very expensive stuff called 'forming cream' into my hair. I really shouldn't have bought it... what was I thinking. I won't tell you the price... but I was so happy to get a haircut, I was just throwing my money around. "Wooohooo! Take it... give me that tiny little cylinder of white goo for a ridiculous amount of money! Wooohooo!" And god do I need it back. Do you think they will take it back, despite the fingerprints? No, neither do I.

I don't really think I am up to posting tonight. I really shouldn't have started. I guess I just have nothing else to really do. I guess I could go shave and shower... again ... but wouldn't that be obsessive?

Tomorrow I'll head back to the house I am renting. I'm looking for some new housemates as the other idiots are leaving. Let me tell you about my current housemates. The guy, let's just call him "God I am disgusting", or Giad for short. Giad starts every morning by hocking back the phlegm in his throat over and over and making spitting noises in the bathroom... conveniently located next to my room. He farts at all times as though he wants everyone to join in the harmony of the stink only surpassed by his faeces. And Giad blows his nose a lot. He's one of those people that will walk across the room to be close to you to blow his nose in your face, as though it is not disgusting. If I was this guy, I'd be in a confessional all the time. If I was Catholic, anyway.

There is another guy. Doesn't wash his hands after a tinkle. OK, let's call him "Tinkle". I wonder if it was the best idea to eat a lot of the food that Tinkle prepared... :o(

And the girl, "I called u cheap!", or Icuc, once walked into the loungeroom on a freezing night said to me, "Oh, you have the heater on. Well, I'm not paying for that. Put on a jumper if you're cold." Icuc is the cheapest girl I've ever known. Cheapness is not one thing that I appreciate. I detest it. Which is why I need to budget, I suppose. But then there should be an asterix attached to that; as long as I don't turn cheap. The funny thing about Icuc is that her father is rich and pays her rent. Anyway, enough about her. I'd imagine she wouldn't waste time talking about me if she had a blog. So I'll leave it at that. (The cheap bitch). OK, I'll leave it there. Happy?!

What is the idea with this blog business? Is there someone out there reading about me? Why not try reading (or re-re-re-reading) Catcher in the Rye instead of reading about me? Or maybe I should post it one day, and say that I wrote it. Damn, I gave my plans away! Sigh...

William John.

A generation lost...

Today is not really a day that I can write away, letting the mood take me away to whimsical heights. You see, my Grandfather died today. He lives in Belfast, Northern Ireland, whereas I live in Melbourne, Australia, so I can't say that I knew him too well. We did get on well whenever we did see each other though, and it is sad that he is gone. He had the Leukaemia, and had been fighting it for a short time. But I guess it all catches up with you, and each fishing trip is just a step towards bagging your last trout. Goddamnit, though. Goddamnit...

Goodbye Grandfather Singleton. It was a long run and I love you. :o(

William John.

A few glances...

I'm supposed to keep this thing up to date, aren't I? And how's next day service sound? Well, I assure you it won't be this way all the time. You see, being on holiday from University, and being a lazy sod, I have a lot of time on my hands. But when Uni starts again in a few weeks, I'll be scrambling to find the time. Well, I hope, anyhow. The busier I am kept, the less I really think about how meagre I am.

I have this friend, Adam. He's probably my best friend... but that doesn't say very much as we don't see each other very often or communicate much. And there really is no reason for him to be my "best" friend, except that I feel great around him. He's the person everyone should be. And the fact that he doesn't really keep in touch with someone like me makes me regard him even higher. I mean, if I was a different person, I suppose I wouldn't appeal to me (the new me) very much.

It seems like I have this notion that I have to have some kind of "benefit" for people to spend their time with me. During the exam period I stayed over Adam's house for like 4 days tutoring him and all. Hey, I enjoyed it and all... but where is he now?

He's doing Honors too, at some other institution, so I suppose a few glances is all that I will have left of him before I never see him again. Sure, we'll bump into each other years into the future in a crowded aisle in the supermarket, and perhaps make some kind of comment about "why isn't there dolphin-included tuna?" (as a joke) ... then he'll be swept away in the crowd and I'll be left standing next to the diaper section screaming "Stella!!!!! Steeeeellllllaaaaa!!!!" ... obviously I would have forgotten his name. :o)

Sigh...

William John.

A slow-motion world...

I sometimes wonder if life is supposed to move this slow. Stepping forward seems to take an effort my mind can't grasp, and I don't really know what to do about it. Shaking off everyone I know and saying 'give me some space' would be a good first step. But, the truth is, I have so much space it's hard to move. Funny, I am such a contradiction. I'll judge people and tell them how it is... but who knows me? There are a lot of major, defining characters to me that even my closest friends wouldn't have a clue. I'd want to tell them, sure... but who could I trust with such information. I shoot off my mouth now, and tomorrow I'm some kind of point-and-giggle joke.

I am 20 now and have never had a partner... never been kissed... I sometimes am on the verge of tears about it. I really am. I can't do anything about it. Well, that's a lousy attitude for me to have. Sure I can do something about it. No-one else knows enough to care. I just don't know what to do about it. It's not like I'm a monsterish looking guy. I am quite ok in fact. Sure, I don't gave a sexy voice or bod, but I'd treat someone right. Sure I would. Anyhow, this is my first post so I shouldn't really turn it into a sob story.

This year, 2005, is going to be the toughest year of my life. I say that every year, because it is true every year. And I am so focused on the wrong things. Or maybe they are the right things, it's just the portions that I have screwed up. Like, this year, I'm doing Honors at University. How much better can life get? A year of full on work but meanwhile I'm grappling with the 'why aren't I a stronger person?' question... and hoping I'll dust myself off one day and be happy with me.

William John.